Musings of an insane familar
by NaginiFay
Summary: Nagini is quite a bit more than she seems. She has a wicked sense of humor....and maybe the tiniest crush on a certain greasy git. This stor is currently getting a makeover. Reread!
1. 1

"The things a girl will do to get a little decent conversation and attention." I think to myself as I regurgitate chewed and mostly digested food for my DARLING surrogate offspring. Not that he hasn't been good to me, well, as good as a disembodied spirit can be. And he's made me quite a deal. The thing is, whether I look at him from a humanlike, or a snakelike point of view, he's ugly. Revolting actually. And fussy. He's constantly whining about how slow he's growing. As if it is my fault I don't have any hands to brew potions with at th moment, or anything warm to cover him with but rotting vegetation. Well, technically, it is my fault, but its not like when I left Burma and my source of magic looking for a mate with half a brain, that I knew I was going to run into the self declared DARK LORD VOLDEMORT. Oooooooooh. Scary, not. Somebody should have told him that actually calling yourself a Dark Lord is a sure sign you don't have the brains and sneakiness to take over the world. The evil villains who pretend to be good get the farthest. As soon as dear Voldie has developed the mental capacity for anything beyond whining again, I'm going to start reciting my Mothers Handbook of Power to him.

"_Mothers Handbook of Power  
_

_Rule number one: Choose your evil minions carefully. You need to avoid both being stabbed in the back, and being undermined by incompetence._

That said, get rid of Wormtail ASAP. He's liable to do both."

I then listen to a long boring rant abut how Wormtail is the only one who's so much as bothered to look for him. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I take back that bit about intelligent conversation. I swear I need to find a way out of this rotting house and its garden. Its a lovely garden, but this country is so cold. There is no way I'm going to find any of my kind here. Maybe a Parselmouthed wizard or two besides my DEAR MASTER. Now that's a thought.

NOTE TO SELF: Find out if anything of the Death Eaters who show up tomorrow can speak parseltongue.

Wait a minute! He wants me to do WHAT! Eat Harry Potter? That's just disgusting. Does he have any idea how bad humans taste? I mean, if I was starving, maybe, but I'd much rather eat ten rabbits and some little kiddies pet puppy than a nasty human. Humans, wizard and muggle, are always swallowing the nastiest things. Ever heard of you are what you eat? Bleh.

Oh well. I suppose I can swallow, then go off and bury the nasty thing.

Rats, no parselmouths. Wait, here comes somebody who is very very late. "Oi, slimeball!" I yell as he unknowingly steps over me in the dark. "You'd think that if you were going to be late, you would have at least taken the time to put on clean underpants and wash your hair so you would make a better impression!"

This is similar to the remarks I made when the others were arriving. As I received no responses, other than chuckles from my _master_ I had assumed that either someone had quite a hold on their temper, or nobody had a clue what I was hissing at them.

"Silence, you impudent creature!" he hissed back at me. And then he stands there! I'm going to be scarred for life, I tell you!

"Move, you creep!"

"I'm not the one looking up my robes."

"My eyes are on top of my head! I can't help it!"

"_You_ could move."

"I was here first!"

"Anything particular nice about this spot, other than the view?"

"I told her to wait for me there." Voldemort said coldly. "if, Severus Snape, you are quite done flirting with Nagini."

FLIRTING! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Nice name though.

Severus Snape...oh I do love alliteration, especially with s...groans loudly as he tries to pick himself up of the ground.

"Not so cocky now, are you." I comment.

"Glorified earthworm." he says.

That was a bit more than I could take. I steal his shoes.

"Great," he mutters, in English "Now I'll have to walk up the hill to the castle stocking foot."

"Never mess with a she-demon." I say smugly.

"Demon?" he says curiously, managing to get to his feet, still twitching from being Crucioed half the night.

"Or Demi-god, depending on what kind of mood I'm in."

This man is supposed to be the most intelligent Death Eater, but he apparently doesn't make a connection between my name and nature.

He staggers off, muttering something about haggis, I think.

"You know", I remark later to my master, "It really wasn't terribly brilliant to give Wormtail that weird hand."

"Oh?" he says menacingly.

"Handing out the occasional gift can ensure loyalty. MHoP 52. In his case, its likely to increase ambition."

He laughs hysterically. "Wormtail? Ambitious? That's ridiculous."

"You'd be surprised" I mutter as he walks off snigering. After all, if he would stab his best friends in the back, why not somebody he hates?"


	2. Chapter 2

Snape's POV.

I slam the books closed. The Hogwarts library has books on just about every topic imaginable, and then some. The trouble is, most of them are exactly the opposite of up to date. The only texts of much use were _A Demon Tamer's Guide, Magical Creatures of the East, Defense Against Tricksters, _and_ How to Talk Your Way out of Being Eaten. _I was certainly not worried about Nagini eating me, unless she managed to steal my wand as well as my boots. Still, I consider it wise to consult Hagrid on his knowledge of the Naga, as no doubt, he knows something of more than academic use, being obsessed with dangerous creatures. First, however, a trip to my quarters, as that _creature _ is currently chewing on my favorite boots.

A student dares to giggle as I exit Pince's "Sacred Shrine of Moldy Tomes". I take ten points from Hufflepuff, for disturbing the quiet of the library, of course. Sending the snot nosed brat my best death glare, and sweeping dramatically form the room, I am sure the effect was quite ruined by the quite visible hole in my left sock. A hole, through which, two toes are visible. I note that my toenails are in rather bad need of clipping. It will have to wait, I decide, until my next bath, though I have no idea when that might occur. It is not as if I have nothing more important to attend to then hygiene.

I pull on my second favorite pair of boots, cursing the scaly fiend that robbed me of my favorite pair. My boots are, as the nearly all the rest of my wardrobe, black. It makes it far easier to traverse the Forbidden Forest and other places I don't particularly wish to be seen. It also adds to the air of danger I take care to cultivate. It would not do to have my students see me as a human being, though, my efforts seem to have succeeded a bit too well each time the rumors that I am a vampire surface.

Some minutes later I knock reluctantly on the door of Hagrid's "house". Hagrid himself is disgustingly exuberant. I am pleased to see his mood falls somewhat upon learning the identity of his guest. Nonetheless, he lets me in, and invites me to partake of questionable refreshments in the form of coarse tea and something grey and lumpy. They resemble stones, and I assume that these are Hagrid's notorious rock cakes. I decline.

"What ken I do fer yer, Perfesser?" Hagrid asks me, even less happy to see me, as I am not pretending to enjoy his fare, as others foolishly do. It does not occur to the man's friends that if they were more honest, his cooking might perhaps improve.

"I have come across a dark creature recently with which I am understandably unfamiliar. I have found little in the Library. I am most dismayed that so little in such a vast repository of knowledge should be helpful in this case, though it is admissible I suppose considering how rarely the creatures ever venture into Europe, let alone Britain."

"A ferign creature then." Hagrid remarks, suddenly looking more enthusiastic about my visit. "Expect you'll be wantin' to know if I know anythin' about 'em."

"Indeed."

"Tell me what you've got then." Hagrid prompts somewhat eagerly.

"The creature's main form is a large serpent. It claims to be a demon, or a demigod. Apparently it has at least near human intelligence. From this I concluded that the specimen is a Naga, though why one would venture so far from its native climate, and its body of water, I have no idea. I may have to deal with this creature regularly, and I need more insight into its mind than the library could provide."

"Ah, well, first off, the Naga aren't necessarily good or bad. This ones likely bad, as I can take a good guess at where you'd be seeing such a thing. Second, they're awfull proud, the Naga are. That lot make Hippogriffs look like flobberworms when it comes to insults."

I was mildly alarmed. I would have to be careful not to goad Nagini beyond what her loyalty to her Master could bear. It would not do to have her lose her temper one day and attack me.

"Their fangs are extremely venomous, whatever shape they're usin. A bloke'll snuff it in minutes. Some of 'em like humans okay, and will work for them. They're a bit like house elves, and a bit like djinn, except, you treat 'em like a servant and that's the end of it, unless they're bound. A free Naga will take off the second you stop treatin' it like a demigod, with offerings and such. Might even take yer kiddies with 'em, if they get really ticked."

"And what do they do with the "kiddies?" I inquired, wondering if perhaps I could persuade Nagini to dispose of Longbottom for me.

"Dunno fer sure." Hagrid shrugged, "but there's lots o' Naga with human blood, and lots o' wizards with Naga blood."

I was mildly disturbed at that thought. Perhaps Slytherin...? No, it was too absurd.

"What does it mean, that they're are shape shifters of limited ability?"

"Well, in the East, near where they were born, they can take either human like form, or snake form, and everything in between. Easiest is half and half."

I blinked, the most I allow myself to show surprise. _That would be an interesting sight._

"Around here, the Naga can't manage much magic at tall, unless they are bound to a human master. That can be tempry or permenet, as I'm sure yeh know already, Perfesser."

I nodded, it was no use pretending that I knew nothing of the dark magic used by wizard kind to enslave other races.


	3. Chapter 3

Nagini's POV

"So, Nagini," my _Master _ says conversationally one day out of the blue. "How would you feel about helping me with a little reconnaissance in the Ministry of Magic?"

"What, actually get out of this house?" I asked incredulously.

"But of course. You have seemed a bit restless lately, all cooped up in here with no one but me, Wormtail and the occasional visitor to torment."

_And pretending to eat. _ I added silently to myself. "How exactly am I supposed to get in there? I'm a bit big to go in somebody's pocket, you know."

"That won't be a problem."

"I am not going on a diet! And no plastic surgery either!" I said indignantly.

My Master laughed hysterically. I couldn't see what was so funny. It was me he was talking about starving and then chopping in half. Even then, it'd be more like a back pack then a pocket.

"No my dear. You will use the visitors entrance. In your human form."

"I don't think that'll work too good."

"Why?" He said sharply. "You told me you had made enormous progress in maintaining human form."

"Yeah, from not at all to 30 seconds." I retorted.

I could feel the anger rolling off him. He narrowed his eyes calculatingly. "WORMTAIL!" he shrieked. He sounded like a woman.

Wormtail scurried into the room. He smelled suspicious, of defensiveness, of deception. I snapped at his heels. I would have tripped him too, but I could tell my Master was displeased with me, and might take exception to an unconscious lackey.

"Send word to Severus to come at his earliest convenience."


	4. Chapter 4

Severus POV

I informed Dumbledore I had been called for by casually remarking that I had assigned a detention to Tom after the staff meeting. There was in fact, a student named Tom I frequently give detention. A frequently Confunded student. Of course, considering his usual state of confusion about everything except his name, I doubt anyone will ever notice.

That particular bit of code originate by me remarking that the detentions I serve with the Dark Lord are my source of inspiration for the ones I gave out. Dumbledore thought it was amusing. Minerva did not.

"Be sure you don't traumatize the young man too badly, Severus." Albus chided me. "I would hate for him to spend another weekend in the hospital wing."

What this really meant was "Be careful. I'd hate to have **you **spend another weekend in the Hospital Wing."

Anyone who heard the exchange might think we two were merely joking. My sense of humor is notoriously nasty. I myself would consider my sense of humor to be merely dry. Nasty perhaps form time to time, but I do not find muggle baiting amusing, as do so many supposedly possessed of a healthier sense of fun.

I was in fact, quite apprehensive. I had no idea why I had been summoned. I haven't done much of anything lately for either the Order or the Dark Lord. Perhaps I am to be chastised for his inactivity? Maybe the Dark Lord has a task for me. I sincerely hope that... evil wizard wasn't simply _bored _as that means it is going to be a long and painful evening.

I was beset upon at the gate to the old Riddle House's walk. Within seconds I was thoroughly wrapped in something scaly and very heavy. Nagini poked her large nose right up in my face and and hissed frantically at me. I staggered under her considerable weight for a moment and fell over. At first, as I was trying to disentangle himself from her, I wondered if perhaps I had forgotten how to speak parseltongue, as I couldn't make out a word. Then, as I began to have trouble breathing with quite such a lot of snake on my chest, I wondered if she was merely hissing as she prepared to eat me. I seriously considered, as I began to feel a bit dizzy, whether I merely imagined she was saying "Pleasssssssssse don't shrink me! I don't wanna be a teeny wienie Nagini again! WHHHAAAAAAA! Pleassse!"

I decided to use the last of my air to cry for help, considering how likely it seemed that him myself _almost _being eaten was the Dark Lord's idea of a joke. I should like to take the opportunity to point out someone with a nastier sense of humor than myself.

"She's eating me! Help!" I gasped. Not my most profound utterance in time of danger, but it worked. Sort off.


	5. Chapter 5

Nagini POV

"Eww! Eat you? Why ever would I want to do that? The only thing you've got going for you as a meal is that the grease on your head would make you slide down easier."

I hear my master laughing. Severus turns red. No wait, make that Severus is turning blue. "You don't look so good. I mean, you look way worse than usual. Are you sick or something?"

Severus wiggles, and says "ign uv emey" very weakly. I check my mental catalog of languages. If it means something, its not in any language I know.

"Sorry," I say kindly. "Didn't catch that. Could you try again, please?" Severus just gives a very pathetic whimper and goes limp. I swear I had no clue what was wrong with him, honest. I didn't realize I was squishing him, or that I was holding on too tight. Anyway, when he stops breathing, I get off him in a hurry.

"Quick fix him!" I beg my master. "I think I broke him."

"My dear Nagini, why did you not get off when he asked you to?" he teases me as he waves his stick and Severus gasps for air.

"I thought he was speaking gobbledegook or something." I defend myself huffily. I mean, really, how was I supposed to know that it could be fatal? It just makes more sense, you bite something, it bleeds a lot, and it dies. Not my favorite favorite thing to do, mind you. Self defense only, except critters. I have to eat _something._ Though, I probably should look into vegetarianism. I might loose some weight. Anyway, who ever heard of killing somebody by sitting on them. I mean, really, Colonel Mustard, in the Drawing Room, with his BOTTOM! Its ridiculous.

Unfortunately, Severus comes around at the exact moment I am thinking this.

I sit up and clutch at my head. Nagini is hissing with evil glee. Yes, ha ha, very funny. One more narrow escape from death for Severus. I long ago realized that my own personal hell would involve being a teenager _eternally _at the mercy of Potter, Black, the werewolf, and Wormtail, with the occasional treat of being tortured by the Dark Lord, or TWINKLED at by Albus Dumbledore for days thrown in for variety. Considering the small difference between that and my daily life, I am only marginally glad to still be alive.

" I apologize for the delay my Lord," I say, composing myself as quickly as possible.

"Next time you wish to spend time with Nagini," he admonishes me "set up a dinner date that does not interfere with your responsibilities."

I gag slightly. A date? With Nagini? The serpentine monstrosity? Even with her in human form, I doubt I will ever be that desperate. The female in question is snigering loudly. The sound I hear cannot possibly be giggling, I tell myself firmly.


End file.
